There are some emotions we have no problem acknowledging, and others we’d rather hide – even from ourselves.
What usually falls into that second category? Feeling happy when someone we dislike fails, that sense of relief when a person who seemed to have it all loses it – or a quiet satisfaction at someone else’s stumble.
Admitting that we have these types of feelings is uncomfortable, and it immediately raises an awkward question: “What does that say about me?”
The answer, at least from a psychological perspective, might be less harsh than you think.
That feeling isn’t necessarily down to malice – it’s more about how we compare ourselves to others
Contrary to what you might imagine, feeling relief, satisfaction or even a little joy at another person’s setback isn’t always a sign of cruelty or a lack of empathy. Sometimes, it has more to do with us than with them.
It often reveals more about our own insecurities, comparisons or unmet emotional needs than it does about the other person’s character.
The Psychology of Schadenfreude: Why we quietly celebrate others’ failures
Psychologist Esther Boada, director of Barcelona’s Sukha Psychology Centre, explains that we sometimes make the mistake of interpreting this reaction from a moral standpoint. “We often think that rejoicing in someone else’s misfortune is cruel or that only bad people do it,” she says. “However, from a psychological perspective, we know this isn’t always the case.
“There’s a German word, schadenfreude, which basically means finding joy in someone else’s misfortune. In clinical practice, we see that it’s actually a fairly common emotion—and it certainly doesn’t mean someone is malicious or psychopathic.”
It’s common to feel guilt after experiencing schadenfreude, but it’s important not to judge yourself
The specialist points out that this emotion is closely linked to how we build our self-esteem and relate to those around us.
“From social psychology, we know that people evaluate their own worth by constantly comparing themselves to others,” she comments. “That’s why when someone who seems more successful, admired or privileged experiences a failure, our self-esteem can get a temporary boost of relief. It’s not necessarily because we want them to suffer, but because the gap we perceived between that person and ourselves narrows.”
In other words, we aren’t always taking pleasure in someone else’s pain; sometimes it’s just a quiet sense of relief, because it no longer feels like everyone else is racing ahead while we’re left standing still.
The expert also points out that there is a biological side to this reaction. “Neuroscience has given us some fascinating insights,” she explains. “Research shows that when we witness the failure of someone we envy, the reward centres of the brain can actually light up. This means the brain can register the situation as emotionally satisfying, even if we don’t rationally feel particularly proud of it.”
Boada points out: “This doesn’t mean that rejoicing in other people’s misfortune is something we should actively encourage. Rather, it means it is a fundamentally human emotion, shaped by things like social comparison, self-esteem, envy and our own sense of justice. As with any feeling, the important thing isn’t simply that we feel it, but what it’s trying to tell us about ourselves.”
“The more we measure our worth based on how others are doing, the more we rely on their successes or failures to feel good about ourselves,” explains the therapist
How to manage guilt when ‘ugly’ emotions surface
It might happen one day that you realise you’re getting satisfaction from seeing something bad happen to someone you know (or even someone you don’t).
It might not be an isolated incident, but something you’ve felt on more than one occasion. In these cases, it’s worth paying attention, because if this emotion appears repeatedly, it’s easy to fall into a cycle of guilt or try to suppress it.
But according to the psychologist, the first step should be different: “If you realise you often rejoice in others’ misfortune, the first thing to do is avoid automatically judging yourself for it. Guilt often prevents us from understanding what’s really going on. It can be more useful to ask yourself, ‘What is this emotion telling me?'”
Understanding our reactions can be a tool to get to know ourselves
Using your insecurities for personal growth
The specialist explains that this reaction often surfaces when there are other, more difficult emotions at play.
“More often than not, behind that satisfaction are feelings we aren’t addressing – things like constant comparison, a sense of injustice, the sting of rejection, envy, insecurity or the feeling that others are getting what we so desperately want,” she says. “In these cases, finding joy in someone else’s misfortune isn’t really the main issue, but rather a symptom of a deeper unease.”
That is why, rather than trying to bottle it up, it can be useful to view it as a sort of emotional mirror. Or, as the specialist puts it, as “a source of information.”
So, when that feeling does surface, she suggests asking yourself: “What does this person have that I feel I’m lacking?”, “What need of mine is being triggered right now?”, or “Is there an old wound, frustration, or sense of unfairness behind this reaction?”
These questions allow you to shift the focus away from what is happening to the other person, and instead start looking at what is stirring within yourself.
According to Boada, there is another key point to consider: “It’s also vital to examine our comparisons. The more we measure our worth based on how others are doing, the more we rely on their successes or failures to feel good about ourselves. The healthiest self-esteem is built on our own values, goals and circumstances – not on a constant state of competition.”
Building self-worth is one way to keep these feelings at bay
Finally, we must also remember that understanding our emotions doesn’t mean justifying our actions. “We can acknowledge that someone has hurt us without making their suffering the only way we find relief or closure,” she explains.
In fact, if this feeling crops up frequently or starts to cause distress, it might be a sign to look a little deeper. “It can be an opportunity to explore in therapy which of our emotional needs aren’t being met. Often, when we work on our self-esteem, feelings of unfairness, or past relationship wounds, the need to find comfort in other people’s failures naturally fades away.”
Ultimately, Boada’s takeaway isn’t that we should try to become someone who never experiences uncomfortable emotions, but rather that we should understand them better.
© Getty Images
© Getty Images
