6 signs your kids’ relationship with grandma has gone too far, according to a psychologist

In many families, grandparents are that safe space children and teenagers turn to when the world feels overwhelming. It’s a form of emotional protection that allows kids to be themselves, without filters or demands. 

With this type of grandparent, the grandchildren can confess a mistake, cry over a frustration, or simply be who they are without fear of being told off, criticised or judged immediately. During the intense teen years, where a parent’s gaze can sometimes feel loaded with rules and expectations, this figure can in fact become an emotional lifeline. In our fast-paced, screen-dominated world, this emotional role is undoubtedly more valuable than ever.

That said, if it comes without boundaries, that dynamic of support can cause family strain. 

We spoke with psychologist Silvia Mérida Expósito about the huge impact of this bond, how to learn to listen without judging, and where to draw the line to avoid overburdening grandparents or sparking a war between grandparents and their own children.

The rise of the ‘Sanctuary Grandparent’

What is the difference between a grandparent who is simply present and a grandparent who becomes a true safe space, what we might call a ‘sanctuary grandparent’?

“A grandparent who is present participates in their grandchild’s life, spends time with them, and is available at important moments. Meanwhile, a ‘sanctuary grandparent’ goes one step further: they become a figure with whom the child or teenager feels they can be themselves, without fear of a disproportionate reaction, immediate criticism, or their emotions being minimised. The difference lies in the quality of the bond. The grandparent isn’t just there; they provide a sense of emotional protection.”

Why children open up to grandparents (when they won’t talk to you)

Why do some grandchildren find a higher level of trust with their grandparents?

“In many families, parents also represent rules, demands and daily decision-making. This means some children or teenagers fear disappointing or worrying their mums or dads, or facing an immediate consequence. The grandparent, on the other hand, is usually a little more removed from that daily pressure and offers a less reactive ear.

“In fact, this distance allows the grandchild to feel they have more room to talk about doubts, fears or mistakes without feeling judged from the outset.”

What role does a sanctuary grandparent play in the emotional regulation of children and teenagers?

“They can play a very important role in emotional co-regulation. When a child is overwhelmed, they need an adult to help them process what they’re feeling, put it into words and calm down. A grandparent who responds calmly, and helps them see the situation with perspective, teaches them a way to manage distress.

“In teenagers, this role is especially valuable because it allows them to lower their emotional intensity before making impulsive decisions or shutting themselves away.”

How does a grandparent who listens without judgement contribute to a grandchild’s self-esteem and inner security?

“Listening without judging doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. It means the grandchild feels that their personal worth doesn’t depend on always getting things right. When a grandparent listens with interest, asks questions without being invasive, and corrects without humiliating, they convey a very powerful message: ‘You can make mistakes and still be loved.’

“This experience helps build more stable self-esteem that is less based on external approval. It also helps the child or teenager learn to review their actions without being destroyed by guilt or shame.”

Can a grandparent become as significant an attachment figure as a parent?

“Yes, a grandparent can become a very significant attachment figure, especially when there is a frequent, stable and emotionally sensitive relationship. In some cases, they become a complementary figure; in others, when they have been intensely involved in caregiving, they occupy a central place in the child’s emotional security.

“Ultimately, the important thing to understand is that attachment doesn’t just depend on kinship, but on availability, continuity, and the way in which that adult responds to the minor’s emotional needs.”

6 signs the boundary has been crossed

How can a grandparent offer support without getting in the middle or creating family tensions?

“The key is to listen to the grandchild without discrediting the parents. A grandparent can validate what the child is feeling while also helping them to talk to their parents more clearly. It’s also wise to avoid messages, like ‘Don’t tell your mum’ or ‘Your dad doesn’t understand’, because they put the child in a position of divided loyalty.

“Ultimately, good support protects the family bond: it welcomes the grandchild’s emotions but doesn’t become a judge of the parents or a substitute for parental responsibilities.”

What are the signs that a grandparent’s role is becoming too burdensome or that they are taking on responsibilities that aren’t theirs?

“You need to pay attention when:

• The grandparent becomes the only adult the child turns to;
• Grandparents start hiding important information from the parents;
• Grandparents make educational decisions that aren’t their responsibility;
• The grandparent feels guilty if they’re not available;
• Frequent conflicts with the parents arise; 
• The grandparent’s own rest and wellbeing is being affected.”

What legacy does having had a sanctuary grandparent leave in adult life?

“Having had a sanctuary grandparent in your life as a child leaves a very deep emotional mark. Many adults remember that grandparent as someone who made them feel important, understood or protected during difficult times. This experience fosters a greater capacity to trust, ask for help and build more secure emotional relationships.

“Finally, it also serves as an internal reference point: during difficult stages in life, you retain the emotional memory of having been listened to calmly and treated with tenderness. That feeling of having had a safe space can stay with you for a lifetime.”