A woman says her sister-in-law experienced a pregnancy loss three years ago and still regularly brings the loss up at family functions — but the woman says she no longer wants to be “involved” in her sister-in-law’s public grieving process.
The woman described the situation on Reddit’s “Am I the A——?” forum, explaining that her sister-in-law — who already has three children — “had a stillbirth 3 years ago.” The Redditor noted that she and the rest of the family were “so saddened” and “offered support” at the time.
She went on to write that the family celebrated Christmas together shortly before the first anniversary of the loss and that her sister-in-law made an “example” of her in front of the whole family when she received a card from the Redditor that did not include her “angel baby’s” name.
The Reddit user says her sister-in-law stated “that she couldn’t display it unless her [baby’s] name was included and proceeded to write their name in the card. I tried to put it to the back of my mind but honestly felt she could’ve taken the card home and [written] their name to save making me the example in front of the entire family,” the woman wrote.
The OP (original poster) also said that she attended memorials for both the first and second anniversaries of the loss, which she admitted “felt very awkward” for her, explaining that she had a stillborn sibling and “grew up in a household that didn’t talk about it.”
The woman says that her sister-in-law continues to make “excessive comments” and social media posts about how “nothing feels right without her angel baby being there” and that she even tells her three living children that her favorite child is her “angel baby.”
Now, the Redditor says that she and her immediate family have once again been invited to a memorial service for the third year in a row, “but we felt it was too much for us to go through again after attending the first two.” Instead, she says, “I chose to light a candle and wore my angel wings brooch for the week before and week after the passing date as a tribute.”
However, the OP says that she recently received a message from her mother-in-law informing her that her sister-in-law is “very upset” that she “didn’t make the effort,” and asked the OP to apologize.
“Whilst I appreciate she’s still grieving […] I don’t believe you can dictate to others how to grieve nor can you have a monopoly on grief,” the OP wrote. She added: ”I respect that she wants to do a grand gesture each year but she needs to accept that not everyone wants to or feels comfortable being a part of it.”
“Yes, I feel sad as it’s a loss of life but at what point do we stop mentioning it all the time?” she continued, before asking her fellow Reddit users if she’s the “a——” for not “involving myself in my in-laws’ baby loss three years running?”
The majority of commenters assured the OP that her feelings are not invalid — and noted that it seems as though her sister-in–law may need professional help to more constructively deal with her grief if she has not sought it out already.
“NTA [not the a——],” wrote one person. “Sounds like your SIL needs professional help to process her grief. It’s fine if she wants to honor her baby every year but she needs to understand that not everyone feels the impact of her loss the same way. Also, it’s probably not your place to comment on it but what she said to her kids needs to be addressed because that’s not okay.”
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However, other commenters noted that it also isn’t fair or healthy to expect her sister-in-law to pretend she’s not hurting just to make other people comfortable.
“ESH [everyone sucks here],” wrote one person.
They continued: “Your SIL is not grieving in a healthy way. That is very clear. And the way her grief is going to harm her other children is very sad. Hopefully the family is supportive in encouraging her to seek counseling. But it seems like from the beginning you believed she should grieve in private so as not to bother you with her pain. […] Grieving is awkward, supporting people grieving is hard … but you still do it.”
If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.
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