Why Nicole Kidman Wakes Up “Crying and Gasping” Over Her Mortality

Nicole Kidman is taking a hard look at the hours of her life. 

The Big Little Lies actress has made no secret of how her emotions have evolved as she’s gotten older, especially as she’s found herself experiencing new moments in life like watching her children grow up or her parents passing away.

“So life is, whew. It’s definitely a journey. And it hits you as you get older,” Nicole told GQ in an interview published Nov. 18, “it’s a wake up at 3am crying and gasping kind of thing.”

The 57-year-old—whose mother Janelle Kidman died in September—added, “If you’re in it and not numbing yourself to it. And I’m in it. Fully in it.”

Nicole noted that her emotions are “even more so” on the surface these days, as she raises her and husband Keith Urban‘s daughters Sunday, 16, and Faith, 13.

“Mortality. Connection. Life coming and hitting you,” she continued. “And loss of parents and raising children and marriage and all of the things that go into making you a fully sentient human. I’m in all of those places.”