Getting older doesn’t mean giving up on plans, having fun, dreaming, or getting excited about something new.
However, when an older person falls in love again, the news isn’t always warmly received by their family—and even less so by their adult children. Mistrust towards the new partner and fear over what might happen to their parent can spark plenty of doubts and prejudices.
So, how do you handle it all? How can children make sure their mum or dad isn’t being taken advantage of, while still letting them find happiness again?
We spoke about this delicate topic with psychologist Mar de Manuel, who explains in this Q&A how to manage the situation properly and protect the wellbeing of the whole family.
Is it possible to find love later in life?
“Not only is it possible, but it’s also brilliant for your health and wellbeing. Love is a matter of the heart, not how old you are.”
What do older people generally look for in a partner?
“They look for the same things as anyone else, regardless of age: to feel special, cared for, safe, respected, and valued; to have someone to share things with, to get excited about life with, and to keep them company.”
When an elderly person tells their adult children they have a new partner, why isn’t the news always welcomed?
“It’s actually far more common than you might think for children to react poorly. A whole range of reasons can lie behind this rejection.
“Sometimes it stems from a sense of disloyalty to a deceased parent: ‘Surely you haven’t forgotten Mum already?’ Other times, it comes down to sheer disbelief: ‘Do you really think someone is falling for you at your age?’
An adult child’s negative reaction might stem from a sense of disloyalty to a deceased parent, pure disbelief or the anxiety that someone might be after their mother’s or father’s assets
“Fears of losing a parent can easily creep in, too: ‘You don’t need them—you’ve got us.’ At heart, all of this comes back to personal fears and insecurities. Then, of course, there’s the anxiety that someone might be after their assets: ‘Can’t you see they’re just after your money?’ Granted, those concerns are sometimes justified, but in many cases, they’re entirely unfounded.”
© Getty ImagesHow can adult children stay on their guard and make sure their parent isn’t being taken for a ride, without standing in the way of their happiness?
“Families have one of the most powerful tools at their disposal: open communication. Talk to your loved one. Ask how they are doing, how they feel, what the relationship gives them, and what they like—or don’t like—about their new partner.
“Keep in mind, though, that they will only open up to you if you approach the topic with genuine respect and an open mind.”
What is an emotionally healthy way for a child to react when an older parent tells them they’ve fallen in love?
“The same way you would to any other big news. Take a sincere interest in what they’re going through, respect their independence, celebrate their happiness, and let them live their own life.”
What mistakes should be avoided in that initial conversation?
“Some of the most common pitfalls—which are best avoided—include treating your parent like a child, or reacting with contempt and immediately writing off the new partner. If you take that approach, you risk them clamming up and keeping things to themselves out of fear of how the family will react.”
What are the signs that a new partner is causing a family conflict that requires professional help?
Some key warning signs that a new relationship in an older adult’s life is causing serious family tension include:
- Breakdown in communication: Tense conversations, long silences, or people refusing to speak.
- Family polarisation: Relatives taking sides and being pitted against one another.
- Severe emotional distress: Family members having disproportionate outbursts of anger, anxiety, or upset.
- Controlling behaviour: Constantly monitoring finances or movements without any real justification.
- Isolation: The older adult pulling away from the family to avoid conflict, or the family cutting them off as a way of exerting pressure.
© Getty ImagesTo what extent can a new partner trigger unresolved grief, fears, or insecurities in adult children, and what is the best way to deal with this?
“If there is unresolved grief or underlying anxiety, the arrival of a new partner can easily bring those feelings back to the surface. When this happens, it can actually be a valuable chance to face up to whatever was left unresolved. There are some key strategies that can help:
- Accept that there are issues still waiting to be resolved.
- Give yourself permission to experience the emotions you have been brushing aside.
- Re-examine beliefs such as, ‘I have to stay strong’ or ‘I shouldn’t still feel like this after all this time.’
- Find a trusted person to talk things through with.
“If you feel you are making steady progress, that is a positive sign. However, if you find yourself stuck, it is well worth seeking support from a mental health professional.”
How does finding a partner change life for someone in their later years?
“Provided it is a healthy relationship, it can bring about profound changes right across the board. It is worth remembering that it isn’t age itself that transforms a person, but rather the bond created between two people sharing their lives.
“When two people build a genuine connection, the positive effects can be enormous. Feelings of isolation start to fade and feeling valued, wanted and appreciated gives confidence a real boost. A new partner also brings their own network—in-laws, extended family, and new mutual friends.
“Of course, challenges can crop up along the way, such as adjusting to unfamiliar routines, clashing habits, differing expectations or friction with the wider family.”
About the expert:
Mar de Manuel has over 20 years of experience as a Mental Health Practitioner, and is a psychologist at Spain-based employee mental health platform Yees!.
Read the full article here
