What I learnt from my ‘runaway husband’

“I’ve decided I want a divorce and I’m leaving. I feel like a switch has flipped and I’m done. You can have custody of the kids. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it.”

Five sentences that society heiress Belle Burden’s husband said to her after she discovered his affair. Life-shattering words she then recorded in her bestselling new book Strangers – A Memoir Of A Marriage, £14.75 / $27.96.

Belle’s story chimes so much with me. Like her, I had been married for decades and had thought we were happy when my husband suddenly said he wanted out. Like her, I was shocked to my core. Like her, I searched frantically for answers. Belle says: “He wanted it, he wanted me. And then he didn’t.”

When I started writing about my heartbreak, a woman who had experienced similar devastation messaged me via Instagram about the phenomenon of ‘runaway husbands’ and pointed me to a book of the same name by Vikki Stark.

The author, a family therapist, talked (from personal experience) about “wife abandonment syndrome” and “a pattern of behaviour on the part of a husband who leaves his wife out of the blue from what she believed was a happy marriage. Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he’d typically shown her with anger and aggression. He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated.”

© MATTLEVER

This book helped me beyond words. As did sharing my story with others who had experienced the same discombobulating, soul-shredding experience. And them sharing theirs with me. Understanding you are not alone in this hell provides comfort and clarity. As did unpicking the physiological reasons why the person you loved and trusted above anyone else could suddenly turn so cold.

Belle describes the moment her husband changed. The night she discovered his affair, he had reacted with expected remorse. The next morning, she said his “green eyes were narrowed and icy, an expression I had never seen before, entirely different from how he had looked at me the previous night. Before he said a word, I knew that something, everything, had changed.”

Shifting the blame

The day my husband changed is seared into my memory. He went from looking at me with love to barely concealed contempt. I’ve subsequently learnt what’s behind this dramatic shift.

Anger is an easier emotion to feel than guilt. In order to deal with the fact that they’ve acted in a way that’s completely contrary to their own moral code, the leaver/betrayer has to make this all your fault.

© DAVID VENNI

That way, they can assuage their shame. Which means, along with the fact that you are reeling from your life imploding, you also have to deal with a barrage of criticism. That you weren’t kind, respectful, caring, organised or beautiful enough (delete as applicable). 

This is amplified the more the person thought they were a good person, a solid family man. The iciness is about them numbing themselves. If they are to leave their wife and their family (often for an affair partner), they need to push down any feelings of remorse. The more you cry or show your utter brokenness, the more you irritate them because you are making them feel bad about their choices.

Belle does millions of women a service by talking about this phenomenon. She is currently experiencing a backlash from people saying she shouldn’t expose her husband’s infidelity for the sake of her kids, but she refuses to be silenced. If we don’t speak out, we keep women isolated and the men protected. 

When I wrote my book (How To Heal A Broken Heart), I experienced the same judgment. However, unlike Belle, I didn’t come from an esteemed New York society (she’s a Vanderbilt) where discretion is prized above pretty much anything else. So, thank you, Belle, for your bravery. I, and millions of others, are so grateful for it.