The term “toxic” has been increasingly used in day-to-day life to describe negative people and unhealthy relationships – but what does it really mean? How does someone become a toxic person and, above all, is there anything you can do to help if you have someone like this in your life?
Therapist Ester López, an expert in childhood trauma, points out an important nuance: “Toxicity is not an identity, but a set of learned patterns.”
The mental health specialist and author helps us explain how toxicity is generated from a person’s experiences, and also delves into the question of whether or not a toxic person can change.
The psychology of toxic behaviour: Why do people act this way?
Essentially, no one is born “toxic” – they learn certain behaviours and ways of relating to others – or even themselves – in a harmful manner.
From the time we are born, we learn to relate to one another through our most intimate environment, which is usually our family. As a result, the way our parents (or parental figures) treat each other, and those around them, directly influences our own emotional development.
“If you grow up in a home filled with respect, love, firm boundaries and emotional stability, you naturally learn how to build healthy connections,” says López. In these environments, parents tend to be emotionally mature adults who pass on the values and life skills their children need to thrive in their own adult relationships.
The drama triangle: Are you playing the victim, aggressor or rescuer?
Those whose early years were shaped by manipulation, emotional abuse or dependency often find themselves trapped in a dysfunctional cycle. They ‘learn to play a part’ in a recurring dynamic – acting as either the victim, the aggressor or the rescuer.
Unfortunately, these patterns learnt at home are then replicated in every other area of life, from friendships and romantic relationships to the workplace.
Even if you aren’t the one driving the toxic behaviour in a given situation, there is something vital to remember if you’re trying to ‘fix’ someone else.
© Getty Images“If you insist on staying [in a relationship] to help someone who has no desire to change, you might have unintentionally stepped into a toxic role yourself: the Rescuer,” warns López. “You risk becoming trapped in a cycle where you are constantly searching for someone to save, just to keep yourself in that familiar spiral.”
Are toxic people bad by nature?
We often label people as “toxic,” but the reality is rarely that simple. “I don’t believe anyone is inherently bad,” says López. “It is more that they are navigating life within a framework that is harmful to themselves and everyone around them”.
This suggests that those who display toxic behaviours are often suffering too. “Someone labelled as ‘toxic’ is often in a great deal of pain, trapped in a destructive spiral they aren’t even aware of,” the therapist explains. Without that self-awareness, it is incredibly difficult for them to change their circumstances.
However, we must also look at our own role in these situations. López points out that “anyone who remains in these dynamics and allows certain boundaries to be crossed has their own lessons to learn”. It means that even if we feel like a victim, we might be unintentionally playing a part in maintaining the cycle.
© Getty Images/iStockphotoIs toxicity an identity? Why experts say ‘toxic’ isn’t who you are
We are often told that the only solution is to walk away from toxic people, but is it possible for them to change? López certainly believes so. “I have enormous faith in our capacity to grow and evolve,” she says. She is convinced that anyone can change, provided the desire is truly there. “I personally struggled with many toxic dynamics because of the patterns I learned growing up, but I’ve done the work, and I have changed,” she admits.
“If you insist on staying [in a relationship] to help someone who has no desire to change, you might have unintentionally stepped into a toxic role yourself: the rescuer”
However, there is one non-negotiable catch: “If someone doesn’t make the decision to change for themselves, they never will. It doesn’t matter how much support they are offered; you simply cannot help someone who isn’t ready to be helped,” she says.
© Getty Images/iStockphotoCan you help a toxic person change? The power of personal example
So, what is the most effective way to help someone stuck in toxic patterns? The therapist’s answer is surprisingly simple: “There is no better way to help another person than by helping yourself.” While we often try to “fix” others by telling them what to do, real change is sparked by what they see us doing.
“If you focus on yourself – prioritising self-care, self-love, and setting (and keeping) firm boundaries – you naturally begin to thrive. With your own light shining, you’ll inspire others.” This shift doesn’t just help you step away from unhealthy dynamics; it creates a positive ripple effect impacting those around you.
© GettyWhat to do if you have a toxic person in your life
Finally, López offers her advice on dealing with someone toxic in our daily lives. She suggests that the first step is to look inward and analyse how the relationship is affecting you – and whether you are allowing your own boundaries to be crossed.
“The most important thing to realise is that you aren’t responsible for changing anyone else,” she stresses. “What you can do is decide how you relate to that person and how much you allow their behaviour to impact your well-being”.
If a relationship becomes unsustainable and causes constant distress, she recommends creating some distance. However, if the other person is genuinely willing to change, it can become an opportunity to grow together. “Ultimately, it comes down to each person’s level of self-awareness,” she concludes.
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