Is tiger parenting harmful or helpful? What psychologists want you to know

Tiger parenting has taken on many forms since it was first coined as a term in 2011 and is usually used to describe overly harsh parents who put pressure on their children to succeed. This type of parent has extremely high expectations for their child when it comes to academics and extracurricular triumphs. This method is known to focus on measurable achievements, such as high grades, prestigious awards, and excellence in difficult skills like musical instruments or advanced sports. Ultimately, when we are talking about tiger parenting, we are referring to parents who exhibit strict discipline and are fond of a tight routine. But where did this form of parenting come from, and what turns a person into a tiger parent? HELLO! asked the experts. 

What is a tiger parenting style – and where did the term come from?

The term tiger parenting or “Tiger Mother” was originally thought up by American author and Yale Law School professor Amy Chua in her 2011 memoir, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The book details Amy’s own experience with raising her daughters and refers to her parenting style as the “Chinese parenting model”. 

It is considered a form of authoritarian parenting that is rooted in cultural values and focuses on hard work, discipline and family honour. This style rejects the idea that children’s self-esteem needs to be prioritised over everything else. 

Key characteristics of tiger parenting usually include: 

• Extremely high expectations, especially when it comes to academics and achieving high grades 
• Strict rules and discipline, and an environment that revolves around routine, and little time for play or relaxation
• Emphasis on achievement and only partaking in activities with a clear goal to be the best or to win 
• Parental authority in which the parent holds all the power, and children’s preferences and thoughts come second

Senior educational and child psychologist and a parent of two, Dr Sasha Hall, told HELLO!: “The term describes a very strict, high-expectation approach that prioritises academic achievement. Although the label is recent, research on controlling and achievement-focused parenting shows it often develops when parents feel pressure for their child to excel or believe educational success is essential for future security.” 

She continued: “The intention usually comes from a place of care. High expectations can be positive, but they are most effective when matched to a child’s developmental stage. In educational psychology, we draw on ideas such as scaffolding and the zone of proximal development. Children thrive when adults support them to stretch slightly beyond what they can do alone.” 

The effects of tiger parenting

More often than not, the effects of becoming a tiger parent can be detrimental to the relationship you have with your children and on the child themselves. Presenting in such a strict way and adding extreme pressure on the child to overachieve can result in a worrying lack of self-esteem for the child and an inability to enjoy most things. 

Parenting expert with over 15 years of experience, Roma Norris, said: “From a relational perspective, tiger parenting quietly erodes connection. It’s hard to sustain a loving, authentic relationship with a child that we are busy trying to mould into a particular shape. We stop seeing who they really are. On some level, we are objectifying them. They learn to mask their feelings and needs in favour of pursuing the achievement we are hungry for. This isn’t true intimacy.” 

How to encourage achievement without pressure

While it is more than understandable to want to see your children achieve success and win at life, there are ways and techniques to encourage drive and ambition without adding an unmanageable load of pressure onto their shoulders. Gentle pushes and words of soft advice can go a long way to create a sustainable, consistent drive that installs the right kind of work ethic in children, and they will do things because they want to, not because they have to. 

Instilling fear into children will only result in them abandoning a task the minute they no longer have to answer to you, rather than carrying it forward into their lives beyond living at home. Roma noted: “Being more present and helping your child feel seen allows children to access their innate intelligence.” 

She continued explaining: “Relaxed kids are in learning and exploring mode. They are also far more likely to be the bolder, more confident version of themselves and fearlessly reach for the things they are passionate about. So your child probably will succeed, it just might not look like what you imagined, and it won’t cost your relationship with them.” 

Human potential coach and mental well-being practitioner Kamini Wood also suggested: “Let them fail safely. When the stakes are not so high, allow them room to make a misstep and figure out how to move forward. Model self-compassion and grace. Model that perfection is not the goal, but rather finding meaning and joy.”

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How to spot perfectionism in your child – and what to do about it

Perfectionism in children goes beyond simply striving for excellence; it is demonstrative of a more worrying pattern that shows a fear of failure and of disappointing you, as parents. Children who are perfectionists feel that flaws are unacceptable and have a hard time being relaxed about things, as they are usually under a lot of pressure, either put on by themselves or by their parents. 

Relatively easy to spot, it is obvious that a child is struggling with perfectionism if they are getting excessively frustrated over small mistakes, take an unusual amount of time to complete simple assignments, or avoid trying new activities altogether in case they are not the best in class at them. They deny themselves the chance to try for fear that it won’t work out perfectly. 

If you think your child is struggling with this, you can work to help them through it in a number of ways. Dr Sasha suggested: “Checking that goals match the child’s capability and interests and looking for signs of well-being such as continued enjoyment, curiosity and energy.”

She also encouraged worried parents to praise “effort and progress rather than perfection” and keep “routines predictable while still allowing time for rest and play”.