While Valentine’s Day can be a moment in the messy chaos of midlife to take a romantic pause and remember why you like your other half, when the lights go down passion can sometimes be overridden by the feeling of pressure to perform.
If you are going through the stages of perimenopause, there is a chance that the changes that are happening in your body may mean slipping into lacy red underwear is the last thing on your mind.
The shift in bedroom dynamics can put extra strain on relationships and, if communication is lacking, can end in break-ups and divorce according to Dr Maria Sophocles, gynaecologist, women’s health advocate and author of The Bedroom Gap.
The effects of the menopause on women’s bodies has a lot to do with this and can create a gap between expectations of a healthy sex life and desire.
Our libido can drop, the loss of estrogen and testosterone can affect our vulva and vaginal health, sometimes leading to sexual pain – something Hollywood actress Halle Berry has spoken out about, so you are in good company if it makes you feel better. And then there are mood issues, fatigue, and poor sleep which can all impact your desire for sex and your feelings about yourself and your partner.
However it doesn’t mean once you hit 50 you have to live the life of a nun. Identifying there is an issue is the first step and communication is key to getting your sex life back to a place of fun, says Dr Maria.
What can we do to ease the symptoms?
“Communicate with your partner, your clinician, your friends and family; learn, read,” says Dr Maria.
“Make sure your health is good: get your thyroid checked. Make sure you don’t have other reasons for sexual pain such as vulvodynia (unexplained pain with touching the vaginal opening or the vulva), endometriosis, fibroids, an ovarian cyst – lots of things can cause sexual pain.”
Also if you are feeling dry and painful during sex, then reach for lube.
“Using lube is for everyone at every age and you should not have shame about using it!” she says. Halle Berry was so fed up with feeling in pain during sex, she developed her own version called Let’s Spin. “If you feel like you have razorblades in your vagina this helps you out tremendously. I couldn’t find one on the market, so I made my own and it’s my new best friend,” the 59-year-old says.
Vaginal estrogen can also be prescribed to help treat vaginal dryness and prevent urinary tract infections.
© InstagramHow can we get our sex drive back in time for Valentine’s Day?
Valentines Day should be about showing love, to yourself just as much as your partner. So don’t beat yourself up about feeling this way, or feel pressurised to perform.
“If you desire intimacy and connection, do it on your terms, when you feel like it. There is lots of empowerment in that.
“Have a sex talk – first with yourself. Know your body and what feels good, even if that is non genital areas you like to be touched. If you used to masturbate, get back in the game; if you never have, my book has a primer on how to get started.
“Put erotic content into your brain! Netflix, or the Quinn app are great ways to do this. And when you have a sexual chat with your partner make it positive in tone, no judgement and non accusatory.”
© Tamara Gillon Photography LLCCan your sex life ever recover?
Yes, yes, yes…! The good news is that if your sex life has been a bit lack lustre of late, Dr Maria, it is “absolutely NEVER too late to reignite sex. Even after chronic disease or a heart attack or a hip replacement, you just might need to adjust or adapt the terms or positions or rewrite the script to make it work for you and your partner.
“I have a couple 96 and 94 and they make sure to keep sex in their lives because it is part of what bonds them, they tell me.”
Second Act sex can be just as, if not more so, enjoyable than in your 20s. “I wish all menopausal women would know this can be a time for a sexual renaissance,” she says. “For the freedom to have sex on your terms and to ask for what you want and not to feel pressured to be body perfect or to have a noisy orgasm or an orgasm from penetrative sex ( 80 percent of women cant do this anyway) or an orgasm at all.”
“Sex in your Second Act, whether from divorce or as a widow or just a relook at who you are now, can actually be more gratifying, even if it is different than Hollywood portrays.”
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