How Erika Jayne Learned to Love Herself When It Felt Like the Whole World Was Hating Her (Exclusive)

Erika Jayne is used to being in the hot seat. After all, since joining The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ sixth season in 2015, the chart-topping recording artist has had to defend herself from a slew of criticism.

There were those who judged the provocative lyrics of her songs and the sexually forward image displayed in her music videos. Others questioned her marriage to a man 33 years her senior, wondering whether they were together for love or money. Her undergarments (or lack thereof) became a hot topic of discussion. And her guarded demeanor was dubbed “cold” by some cast mates, and “scary” by others.

That’s not even taking into account what came Erika’s way when she filed for divorce in November 2020 shortly before Tom’s legal troubles began making headlines.

As she faced her own lawsuits to determine if she held responsibility to reimburse Tom’s victims, the court of public opinion quickly put her on trial — and her fellow Housewives followed suit. She was asked how much she knew and when. Criticized for her own tears. Why wasn’t she turning over her assets? Did she have any empathy at all? Nothing Erika could say (including her insistence she was in the dark) nor her legal victories seemed to stop the ire from coming her way.

But season 14 of RHOBH, which premiered in November, has been different. For the first time in her time on reality TV, Erika seems to be in the clear.

“Isn’t it nice?” the 53-year-old star tells PEOPLE. “I’ve always been on the defense, or trying to [continue] holding up the walls of some bad situation. And this season, the audience and the women are finally seeing me how my friends off the show know me, because I didn’t feel like I had to be on guard as much.”

Part of that is because the drama finally turned from Erika to her costars, specifically Kyle Richards and Dorit Kemsley, both of whom separated from their respective husbands back to back. But another part of it is because Erika’s life has finally stabilized from years of chaos.

Last year, she returned to the stage with a hit Vegas residency. New music has followed, as have new opportunities (like a Diamonds in the Rough podcast with pal and former costar Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave). She’s even coming back to Broadway for another run in Chicago that kicks off Jan. 20.

Throughout it all, Erika learned a lot about herself. “Look, being on reality TV is not for the faint of heart, especially when you’re entire life falls apart,” Erika says. “It is tough. I think that it’s made me incredibly resilient, but it also came with a lot of hurt. These are real wounds that I have to heal. It can take a real toll on you. And it has. It’s taken a toll on me.”

Healing those wounds is still a work in progress, Erika notes, and one that has come slowly. “It really is one day at a time,” she shares. “I know it sounds cliché, but you can’t focus on more than this moment right here right now.”

Therapy has helped, as has leaning on the close people in her circle, including her son, Tommy, and her mom, Renee. But ultimately, no one could help Erika do the thing she needed to do the most: learn to love herself.

That, it turns out, came with time and reflection. “You have to accept the situation you’re in and the person you’ve become, and that doesn’t happen overnight,” she says. “You have to give yourself time to almost recognize yourself again, and realize that certain things are really gone and that you must be willing to let them go. And then you have to say to yourself, ‘Okay, let me make peace with the present moment and make peace with who I am in the present moment.'”

“It’s not easy to do; it’s just not easy to do,” she admits. “I’ve had a hard time with moving on. I’m very nostalgic, probably much more so than people think. But I had to do it. I had to let go of a life, of a partner, of all the things that went with that — the homes, the furniture, the money, all of it. And then I had to let the dust settle where it did, which was not in a good place, and I had to say, ‘Okay, let’s work with this.’ That was hard!”

In fact, part of being present means Erika allows herself to feel the pain again now and then.

“There are times when it’s just like, ‘This sucks. I don’t like this. I don’t like this. I didn’t plan for this. This isn’t what I had signed up for. I don’t know what this is and I don’t like it!'” she says. “You just can’t lie to yourself that it’s so great! And oftentimes, it is not easy to look at the more positive side than the negative side. But you try; you try because you deserve to be happy.”

Happiness is something fans appear to be embracing on Erika these days, with the onslaught of social media negativity subsiding in favor of praise.

Erika takes it all in stride. “Hey, it’s nice to hear nice things — and it certainly is better than the other way, I’ll tell you that. But as grateful as I am that people are happy for me, and how much I feel that love, I also know I can’t buy into it,” she says. “Because all of that adulation? All that s– is false. Just like all the negativity was false too.”

“So I have to block out. At the end of the day, this is my life and I need to show up for me — not for them,” Erika continues. “I can’t let social media dictate my future. That cannot write the end of my story.”

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As for the next chapter in Erika’s story, fans will have to continue to watch things play out on RHOBH. And whether or not things continue to go smoothly, there is one thing those bumps have taught her: she’s going to survive it.

“I’ve always known I’m a pretty strong person, but I feel unstoppable now,” Erika says.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on Bravo. Episodes stream the next day on Peacock.