The bond between model Yasmin Le Bon and her daughter Amber was undeniable when they came into the Second Act podcast studio for our special Mother’s Day episode.
They chatted about sharing clothes, travelling the world – even living together in an idyllic sounding Le Bon commune, joining middle daughter Saffron and her brood ensconced in her own home at the bottom of the family garden. “Mum is my favourite person I choose to hang out with,” said Amber, 36.
However when it came to chatting about grandparenting duties with Amber’s one-year-old son Sasha and her sister’s three children, the two had very opposite opinions.
“It’s quite different with your grandchildren, than with your own children,” says Yasmin, 61, who has been married to Duran Duran front man Simon Le Bon for 40 years.
“I’m very, very close to them. I see them all the time. So, you know, it’s not like a special occasion. She’s still living with me and my middle daughter is at the end of the garden with her three so I see them every day.
“I’m quite tough with them. But that can hurt me a little bit. You know, I sort of want to be loved and adored by someone. But of course, that’s not my role at that point. I need to be a little bit on their case, too. I think it kind of is the role of the grandparent.”
Amber clearly thought otherwise and shifting uncomfortably in her seat, she challenged her mother’s viewpoint – jokingly calling her ‘a dragon’.
“I think it is the role of the grandparent to be loved and adored, you don’t need to be the disciplinarian any more – you get to be lovely and fluffy,” she said, setting her straight.
So what should a grandparent’s role be?
Even in the closest of families, case in point the Le Bons, it seems there can be crossed wires among the generations as grandparents assume roles their children hadn’t agreed to.
“Grandparents have a delicate balance to tread,” says MBACP accredited Counsellor and Psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer who believes communication and boundaries are the key to harmonious relations.
“There is no set roadmap for how involved they might become, and whether their involvement might involve disciplining the children.
“Every family is different – but the key is to be open to discussing and negotiating the boundaries. This might depend on whether a grandparent is in sole charge of their grandchild, or how much time they spend with them.
“Where things can become sticky is when a parent feels as if they are being undermined, or their approach is being criticised unnecessarily.”
The four grandparenting pinch points
Georgina identified four key pinch points which can threaten to cause a clash between grandparents and their own adult children
- Differing approaches to parenting. There are often intergenerational approaches to parenting. What one generation might deem acceptable or necessary, the other might consider too lax or too strict.
© Dave Benett/Getty Images- Activating earlier experiences. When we become parents, and our parents become grandparents, it’s common for old resentments or wounds to be activated. And so if we have differences of opinion, this can sometimes escalate. We are not just disagreeing on a fleeting question of parenting, but often on something much deeper and ingrained.
- Giving advice. Advice can be so helpful when we are finding our feet as a parent. But unsolicited advice, particularly if it runs contrary to the choices that we are making, can land as criticism.
- Key practical moments. Choices around feeding, routines, activities – and especially screen time – can become pinch points between the generations.
So how can you put in boundaries – while still maintaining a good relationship?
“This begins with openness, honesty and mutual respect,” says Georgina. “You may have different expectations when it comes to behaviour and discipline. The important thing is to listen to each other and negotiate some ground rules on who is in charge, and what rules need to be followed.
It’s grey areas and uncertainty that can lead to conflict.
If you are a doting grandparent, how can you learn to give your child space to parent?
“This can take time, and it can mean that your role inevitably changes. You may need to accept that your child will make decisions that are different from the ones that you have made. And you may need to learn how to step back and listen, rather than jumping in and offering your opinion.
“Remember that children crave consistency and security. And so your grandchild is likely to thrive if you follow a similar approach to their parents – even if it doesn’t come naturally to you.”
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